ah well.. i have been very emo in my past post.. aniwei.. to tell u guys, im now a happy chubby girl again...

the picture above is a proof that Im happy now.. hahahaha...

sleepless night... i wish there is someone i can talk to right now..
loneliness creeping slowly to the core of my heart.. its been a while that i feel this way... making a way for my tears to stream down...

sound of the music is accompanying me.. i feel so vulnerable now..

it sucks...

are you still the same person i knew?
am i still the same person you knew?



so many questions, so many words, but do all those important?

crap.. can someone just put me into deep sleep? sedate me if needed...

what should I do... tell me...

Do i just so lausy in words? or you have problem in intepreting my words?

Dear

Thousand and one feelings i have inside me right now..

I dunno how to explain..

I do not need your sorry, all I need just for you to show me some love, is it so hard to just say that you love me? I never expect a lot from you, but I need some care and love from you.. you need not to be here for me 24/7 but the least you could do is just to say how much u love me every now and then.

why u always say sorry? i dont need your sorry. It makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like i am a lausy person for you.

my heart is fragile right now, could you not break it with your yet another apology?

it even hard for me to tell you how i feel right now, with you not trying to understand me, with you not having the patience to handle me at my worst.. you just turn the table around and say sorry, thinking that apology is all i want... thats not i want.. i need your hand, i need assurance from you.. a warm and gentle words whispered to my ear.. make me feel loved once again..

the distance is killing me... very slow and steady..

Final Call

It has been a faithful 5 years i guess since last I said I love you or I miss you... Surely time has flew and somewhere in my life you still are someone that I cant let go of.

3 days I have been awake by the wrench in my heart. I miss you, I dont want you to go, but who am I to ask you to stay? I can only bless you.

I comfort myself by telling myself that this separation is for the best of us.. maybe its time for us to move on with our lives...

I never thought second separation can be this hard too... How many years Have i been avoiding heartache? Now, I got to face it no matter what, no where to run but to stand and say my last bye.

A little wish upon the stars

Halo... hehehe i know i know that so many of you out there miss me (yeah right, like there is ppl reading this blog)...

Aniway, I mentioned about writing new blog, but due to my timing I cant start it yet.. And, now I have in mind far more interesting project.

For this year, I din set many goals, but I set, instead, two.. wait THREE big goals for 2010. what are they?

1. Some of you might have known by now that I am planning to open my own dessert shop. So I am focusing myself on realizing this plan. :) My 2 friends and I are working on this project.

2. To draw near and to love God more each day. It is a very broad goal but I have in mind what to do(s).

3. To settle down! ha ha ha need I to explain more? Those of you who close to me know that I've been wanting to hear my own wedding bells (not others) ha ha ha.. and God, I pray, You know me more than myself... Please let me be a beautiful-charming-cute-sweet bride by 2011... Please let me find someone that I want to love, I want to care for, and I want to share all my laughter and tears together for the rest of my days.

yeah those are my 3 goals.

Since I came back Indonesia, I have been truly blessed in many ways.

I have learn to know what would my life be without God, I have learn to draw a line between lust and desire, I have learn to be more patience and now I am yet to learn to be more loving.

In all my imperfections, God still sees me as His perfect creation. In all my imperfections God still accepted me. I learn to forgive myself. I have learn to forgive others but there is one I forgot to forgive all these while, myself. It is crucial, as I forgive myself, I made peace with myself and I enjoy my walk with God more.

I wanna thank God, thank Pastor Kevin, Shirley Boon and Sandy Tay who have been a great friend for me. Apart from God, these 3 people are the ones that helped me through my hardship in 2009.

on the happier side, my friend Juju is getting married this Nov. We all are so excited and happy for her. Having your best friend to have her moment is so delightful.

There is a bit of envy but hey, who wouldn't? It is every girl (normal ones) dream. To wear that white dress, beautifully walking down the aisle to meet the man who is waiting at the altar, adoring you as you walk down that aisle.

Come on.. apart from all the stress of the preparation, the moment to walk down that aisle is my dream. :)

God, I pray, I really wanna be a bride, a wife...I not only want wedding but marriage, a beautiful, anointed, God-fearing marriage. I want to be a loving wife to my husband, a loving mother to my son (will be named Gregory) and daugther (not yet named), a loving daugther in law to me in laws, a loving daugther to my parents. God, I uphold this desire to Your hands. *blush*

Ok aniwei... he he he.. its 11.18pm... I am going to sleep... Cant believe how early I sleep these days...

Ciao~~

2010

HI... im back.... OH my, I have been MIA quite sometimes

Happy new Year all!!!!

New Exciting Lifestyle Blogging on The Making

Erm, i am planning to coming up with a new concept of blogging... ideas are still blur for now, but i wanna something like a lifestyle blogging where ppl can come and find what they need in a single blog... well... be it the latest gadgets, where to find, place to stay on vacation or just a place to rant (for the readers of course)...

what the benefit?

well once i heard in radio, networking is not about how many ppl you know but rather how many ppl know you... I need to put myself in the map first. Online is a medium to get me connected to all sort of ppl...

so, while i am revamping my new blog, and getting my ideas clear, i will keep on blogging here hahaha... well this blog is pretty much my whole little journal..


Oh yeah, thats all for now...

keeping my fingers crossed


astalavista~~

Roller Coaster, who scared?

June


July


August


September


October


5 months of roller coaster life... its not easy... but i will continue fight back...

next stop:

I will post the Great Oz pictures
Update on life with Jesus
My next plan on my business...

for once, let me say how I HATE MY CURRENT SEASON OF LIFE

it is hard to deal with parents... sometimes they are easy to talk too sometimes they just refuse to understand us for they thought that they know what is best for us, which sometimes it might be wrong..

it is not pleasant to argue with parents.... the guilt and regret always come later... yet you dun know how to apologize because sometimes it is just not your fault and it's truly unfair and a non-sense...

it is very discouraging when day by day what you got is negative input from parents, looking down at you, picking on every single mistakes you make and dont even bother at your achievement or improvement..

it is very suffocating when you dont have your own space just to cry... to wash off those frown on your face, to wash off those anger in your heart..

it is hurtful when you are blamed for something you are not..

it is hurtful when your love for parents is taken for granted...

it is hurtful to hear 'you will never ever go far in your life' what does that suppose to mean?

it is mean to say that your own freaking daughter doesnt love you, and only care for you because you are one wealthy old man... i aint gold digger

it is even more shameful when you know above all these, you are still depending on your parents...

i have no whatsoever to be proud of... i have nothing else left but a piece of heart that truly care and love my parents but do they know that? apparently they DONT...

it is the feeling of being beaten down till you cant get up, even when u get up, you cant take up your face to look up because you are too embarrassed....

i think now, i really dun know how to love my parents...

they said i dont understand them, but do they understand me?

i dont freaking mind to be a good listener for them, but i am not rubbish bin to accept all their bitterness and anger...

why???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


P.S. no further question will be entertained by me, I MEAN IT

Sunday blues?

Huhuhuhu i miss Paris.. i really need my hair to be cut and colored... sigh... thts one major part why i dislike staying here... i cant get a proper hair cut...

aniwei...

i got a book by Mitch Albom: Have a Little Faith...

'Til then..

astalavista~~

Meaning of life..

so tired, just came back from my cousin's funeral, tomorrow she'd be cremated.. this will be the hardest part for her mom.

tomorrow is another day of working day.. this whole day i keep on feel hungry, nothing satisfy my big appetite...

you know what? after this funeral, i really see how privileged i am to be in my family, to have my parents as my parents.. regardless of their imperfection their the best for me, God knows what is best for me. Our imperfections make us a very unique family. Imperfectly beautiful we are, i really thank God for my dad and my mom.

even when my mom and my dad couldnt spend much time when we are younger and couldnt give us the luxurious life when we were young, but they have set good examples before us.

i learn to be grateful, to be respectful, to be humble, to be strong, to be courageous, to be generous and to be loving from my parents. they have set examples for us to see and this is something that we cant gained from any other places.

its really a honor for me to have a parents like them and i really thank God for them.

why suddenly i rap bout this? it is because during the funeral, i have heard many stories of broken family, i have heard stories of parent's being ignorant and so many more stories that is rounding bout family issues.

and this funeral itself is the solid and vivid evidence of the ignorance of parents (this case is father la).. and also the evidence of broken value system in a family..

how a father runs a family will determined how the family will run, how a father lead his life will determined how the children lead their lives. when a father cant be a firm and wise family leader, the family will collapsed. when a father doesnt have a value system, the family will live in confusion. when a father cant provide to his family, the family will live in poverty not only physical but also spiritual.

this funeral really made me think a lot.

why some people cant just learn from experiences?
why some people cant learn from past mistakes?
why some people cant learn from success?

Farewell..

Today, 11 October 2009, My cousin Vania has returned to Father in Heaven. She's 12 years old. Rest in peace Vania, you'll be missed by all of us.

Forgiveness

I must force myself to blog this before i forgot or become too lazy to even bother to type this post..

SO, here's the story:

Disclaimer: this is very religious and Godly post.

OK, so last week, i wrote an email to Pastor Kevin to share with him my struggle while i am here. I just have to share because i am in the verge of breaking down, u'd know it.

I told Pastor how my life has been and how i am not doing well here and i am so scared.

Pastor replied me instantly and very concerned of my well being. Pastor suggested me to come back to KL to strengthen my faith and equipped myself better for the adjustment in life that i am facing now.

Even there is no solid solution yet but Pastor concern and prayer really bring warmth to my heart. So after i read the email (which i received on sunday morning), i went to church.

I dunno why, during the worship i just wept and wept. God spoke to me things.

God showed me the reason why i found God is not relevant and not true to me. God showed me how i have resisted my dad since i came back here, i felt that my dad doesnt understand me and i just become lazy to talk to my dad. Because of that, the image of a father in my life become corrupted, subconsciously i felt it was hard to talk to God too, i cant feel His presence and i felt His word is not relevant to me.

I also have a inner fight in my mind, knowing that i let God down again and again, i have this constant fight in my head telling me just give up on God and the guilt is just killing me slowly and softly.

So during the worship i have this urge to immediately apologize to my dad and reconcile with my him.

The amazing thing is this, the preacher shared about life is a second chance and that we need to use our life time wisely to invest in eternal life that GOd promised. She asked us what would we do if we only left 30 days to live.

In the altar call, she told us to reconcile to the ppl we loved whom we have broken relationship with, at that moment i know that this is a confirmation of what God spoke to me earlier on.

So, after 3 days, i take the courage to send an SMS ( i know i am a sucker at talking mushy mushy things to my dad) saying i am sorry for letting him down and making him angry at times, i will do my best to become a better daughter. No reply from him but the tension between us gone and now i just become more patient when i talk with him, so does him.


one thing is done.

thank God and Pastor Kevin.

and tonite in CG, is another direction from God. But now i am very sleepy so i will share again tomorrow hahaha...

Pardon my english ok.. i am now very sleepy while im typing this haha..

nitezz...

well... where to start?

OK... I think my life got a glimpse of hope...


i want to say a million thanks To Pastor Kevin Loo

Just Wait

OK...

after my Aussie trip post, i shall be back with my journey blog in discovering God and myself once again..

This gonna be great..


Til then~~

...

i suppose to post up my pictures but then... i accidentally closed the window while its uploading.. sigh!!!!

Too bad...

Til then~~

Oz

alrighty.. i am back at home after 10 days at the land under....

It was surely a good time apart from being lectured by my parents, i mean 3 of us (the siblings) went together but only me got lectured, ALWAYS!! i mean, does it written on top of my forehead: 'I love being lectured, Lectured me PLEASE?' sigh... but, who am i to complain? Though it turned my holiday mood off sometimes.

OK, but lets not talk bout the down turn of my holiday, lets talk something HAPPY.. hehe..

OK,Gold coast is a good place, the weather just perfect.. Its not too cold nor too hot, the sunshine just perfect.... I ma loving it... We stayed at Surfer Paradise. The beach was awesome, Kuta Bali surely defeated by this one haha the sand is white and so soft when it touches my skin... the sea water is breezing cold... hahaha...

Off to Movie world and Sea world.. Got a new friend from Movie World, picture later hahaha... I love Sea World...i mean its nothing extraordinary bout it but it was surely another different experience altogether...

Then Sydney... i love Sydney!!!!! Great shopping, great food and great weather.. But on the my third day of my staying, there was sand storm hitting Sydney, the whole Sydney was red covered by dust... Thank God it came back to normal by noon time but the wind is still strong and still quite dusty though not red anymore... hehe..

Then, we went to Blue Mountain... it has a great scenery and it is a good place to have a walk just to relax and enjoy the nature... i would surely come back again...

You know what? i will just post up the pictures hehehe...

Melbourne is the highlight... Drove along the Great Ocean Road (my bro drove actually, i just drove a bit)... Quite tiring though because it takes 4 hours from melbourne to reach to the 12 Apostles stop... but no regret, it was awesome!!!

But tell you what, the most happy time through out my holiday was my dating with this great person, Thomas Yong hahaha.... oh man, how i miss him so much!! hehe... We had great time together, talked so much and he was so nice, he brought me to all places that serve good dessert... hehehe He brought me to Brunetti, to San something something to had the best churros i've ever had... He wanted to brought me to Max Brenner but it was so packed... But nonetheless, i have great time with him... He is so sweet... ha ha ha.. cant wait to meet him again.. OK, sounded like i love this guy huh? but nope, we are just very good friend since college.. and we are the one kind.. funny, easy-going and 38

Then the last day, we went to Brisbane for sight seeing... hehe... we had the bestest roasted pork ever!! it was crunchy on the outside and juicy on the inside.. sinfully delicious!!! hehehe...

So that's pretty much my holiday, i will let the pictures (on next post) to tell the complete story ok? hahaha i guess i am just way too lazy to write everything in detail...

OH ya, talking bout the journey, we stayed at some very good hotels and you know what? i suppose have a very good night sleep rite? but NO, i wasnt able to sleep very well!!!! sigh...

oh, next post also i will post a long complain on Air Asia!!!!! I shall never take Air Asia lest i have to!!

I also had a dream on my last night of the holiday.. It was a dream that made me thinking back on good memories throughout my journey to Goldcoast --> Brisbane --> airport....

ok so till next post...

Ciaoz~~

Day 1 - Where all begin

Word Of God - Forgive your debtor as how God forgives you.


at first it was blurry.. i mean, i have heard this passage for thousand of times and i've learned to forgive people even sometimes it is hard.

I was asking God, who else should i forgive? Do i still have any unforgiveness within me? if yes, what is it and to whom is it?

as i ponder and ponder, then i know i need to forgive myself for what i've done, for who i am..

I begin to replaying my past 5 years. I have been wanting to repent before the Lord that i've tried so hard to follow the Lord, becoming someone that i thought God wants me to be... I become hard to myself..

i feel that i am not good enough for God and i become to despise myself, ashamed of myself and in that process i draw further from God because i thought God wouldnt accept me.

But then, during the CG, as the speaker preached, He said, it is not what you've brought or done for God but God looks at the person, in all the imperfection that we have God still sees us as the most beautiful creation.

I have forgotten that God accepted me for who i am, I have tried to become someone i thought God wants me to be and in the process i have forgotten God's grace and God's mercy.

God told me i need to make peace with my old self, accept my past and move on; only i can birth forth true repentance in my life. Only i can draw near to God not feeling confused of my true identity in God.

That nite, i felt a wrench in my heart, in my spirit.. i know that God has broke me in order to bring restoration to me...

I come to God as who i am, with my impurities, weaknesses and my past; i come to Him and really hiding no more, just come to Him as who i am, original design, not wanting to try to be someone i am not.

This is just day 1 of my journey of discovering God and my self again.. 39 days to go... i want to be closer to Jesus.

Thank You God.

----

on the lighter note, the CG was good... :) the people are nice and i once again feel the feeling of new friend.. :P thank God for putting me in this family :)

I am now,

Fasting and praying period.


'Til further notice ya.

astalavista~~